I often feel like a hypocrite in regards to my body and the message I give to the world. If you don’t know me in person you may not know that I am a male to female transgender person and that I have not had the actual surgery that changes your genitals. I am also overweight, not just a few pounds but to the point that I have been declared by one doctor to be morbidly obese. I want to have the surgery that helps the gender in my heart and mind match that of my body, but to do so I have to lose a lot of weight like nearly 100 lbs.  I agree with the idea that we need to love our bodies no matter the size or shape, the age or color, the scars or the freckles or the tattoos, these are all beautiful, but I just can’t love the body I was born in because my body isn’t right for me. It has this extraness that is simply not me, and to get rid of this I have to claw and fight and struggle my way to be thinner, not because I want to be thinner, but because this is the only way I can get what I want, to have harmony between my body and my heart and my mind and my name and my shadow and my soul and the rest of me as well. I have to act out of sync with my belief to achieve the unity I want and it hurts. I feel my words are lies, barb wired tumble weeds rolling off my tongue. I feel that my body is like that of Jabba the Hutt with Salacious B. Crumb fused to my groin whereas my spirit soars like the cosmic jellyfish from Encounter at Farpoint. I fear that after the end of my life my heart will be weighed against a feather and would be far too heavy to enter Zep Tepi, instead I will be a feast for Ammit for having said one thing and acted in a different manner. I’m not looking for any words of wisdom but if anyone can spare a hug it would be appreciated.